It seems a bit odd that in my life...right now...I have to much time to think. But...I have this whole day, yup all 24 hours of it, off from work (haircutting, and school work)!!! My house is clean, and I am down to only 3 more loads of laundry...and here I sit...thinking.
Things have been a little...upside down...stressful...just plain trying for me lately. If have figured out that the problem is I have had to much to wrap my brain around lately...while still being an good mom and wife (and student).
You see...in the last 2 months our greater family (my side as a whole) have lost two beautiful little girls. One didn't make it to birth...the other was with us for one day. And, because I know that God can handle it...I am alright with admitting that I am angry about it!!
Yes...I know that everything happens for a reason, and that God is in control, and that both of the girls are with Him as I type. But I don't understand how a plan where a tiny baby dies before getting a chance to make her mark on this world; a chance to experience all the love we had for her, is even a "plan". If God knew all along that it was going to end this way...why put us through it? It seems so cruel!!
What I have learned in the last few weeks is that to put your faith in the Lord...is not to say "Lord, take control of my life, as long as it goes how I planned"...Nope, it's "Lord take control of my life...even if it means I might lose everyone I love, and everything I have...I will follow you".
It's hard to accept that even if we hope and wish and pray, and even though our God is a God who could take away all the hurt and pain and evil in this world with the blink of His eye...sometimes He chooses not to.
See...it is easy for me to rationalize it all, it's a case of my brain gets it...but my heart hurts. I stand in awe of both of these families who have shown such amazing faith while going through such pain and grief.
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